If you’re observant enough, you’re bound to see some very distinct patterns that are apparent when it comes to popularity and success in the world of KPOP. There is most definitely a secret to it all, and, I’ve got to admit, some of these companies have got it down pat. Take SM Entertainment for example. They’ve stopped putting out quality for years now, yet they’ve somehow managed to string along their fans like a bunch of placated dogs on a leash. How is it that SM executives can get away with recycling the same fives notes over and over again and still manage to rack in the big bucks? Easy. They make you fall in love with their idols. That way, no matter how shitty the music is, fans will buy it up to support their beloved oppars and unnirs.
So, what’s so “special” about these idols, anyway? How does one go from working corners in the nasty part of Seoul to air-humping on center stage in front of a crowd of adoring fans? Well, I’m about to tell you. This is the first installment in my How to Succeed in KPOP Without Really Trying series.
1. Be a mediocre singer but claim that you “try really hard”
By being a mediocre singer, you are not so horrible that you isolate the masses from your group’s music, but you are not so talented as to have to try that hard when performing (remember, this is how to succeed without really trying). 2NE1‘s Sandara Park is a prime example of what I would consider a mediocre singer. As much as her die-hard fans will try to deny it, the woman gives an incredibly shallow vocal performance and cannot sing in tune to save her life. Despite her clear lack in musical talent, however, Dara is 2NE1’s most popular member. Why? It’s because, despite her shortcomings, she seems like she’s trying really, really fucking hard.
The strategy here is clear: the underdog effect. Everyone everywhere has a soft-spot somewhere for the underdog. Musically mediocre idols like Dara, Sohee, or Yoona are popular not because of their skills, but because they have “HWAITING!”s flying out of their asses everywhere they go. The best part? If any of these idols are having a bad day, all they need to do is try a little bit harder than they usually do(n’t), and the inevitable barrage of “OMG SHE IMPROVED SO MUCH” will come pouring in. Eventually, you get fans that will defend you to their death beds by making shitty excuses. Case in point:
Of course, the other factor is that everyone wants to be a freaking KPOP star (well, at least every tween fan girl does). If you’re a mediocre singer and try really hard, then maybe you could be a KPOP star someday. Then you’d get to hang out with all your favorite oppars and unnirs and talk to your fellow underdogs about how you struggled to the top together! Being a KPOP idol would be so much fun (cue exploding rainbow vagina fountain)!!!!!
2. (in lieu of step 1) Be an idol rapper and pretend you got “swag (whatever the fuck that means)”
Singing not really your thing? No problem, my friend, because what idol group these days is complete without a token rapper? While actual rapping is something that should not be attempted by anyone less than a badass thug from “the hood,” idol rapping is something that anyone short of a retarded mute should be able to pull off with relative ease. All you need to do is lower your voice a couple of notches and blab away. Boom! You’re rapping.
Let’s not forget, however, the “swag” or “swagger” that you need to exude as you spit your lines up on that stage. Thanks to the wonderful world of KPOP, “swag” is now a word that can apparently be thrown around to describe any female figure giving off even an ounce of masculinity or attitude. So give a CL shout and walk like a disabled Tyra Banks; you’ll have KPOP fans admiring your “swag” in no time! See for yourself:
Yeah… “Swag.” Staye tuned for part II…
In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil fan-girl shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship KPOP’s might,
Beware my power… The troll is right!